Are Christians passive-aggressive? Quite often, yes. A better question, though, is whether Christians are called to be passive-aggressive. Does God's Word actually encourage passive-aggressiveness?
Before answering, it’s good to define one’s terms. By “passive-aggressive” I mean outward passivity with inward aggressiveness. Stated more fully, passive-aggressiveness is when one pretends to be passive on the outside (i.e. being “nice”, maintaining civility), all the while he/she is being quite aggressive on the inside (i.e. harboring feelings of anger or resentment). Our outward actions quite often disguise our inward attitudes. Someone who is being passive-aggressive is playing this very game, hiding his hatred under the guise of civility and niceness.
Does Romans 12:19-20 Commend Passive-Aggressiveness?
So that is passive-aggressiveness, and now back to the question: Are Christians called to be passive-aggressive? It seems quite possibly so. Romans 12:19-20 is particularly alarming for those of us who loathe passive-aggressiveness: “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’”
Is God’s Word really encouraging passive-aggressiveness here? What kind of disposition toward others – and more especially toward those who wrong us – are these verses calling for?
It’s not unusual for these verses to be used as justification for hating and resenting those who wrong us. As long as our inner feelings and thoughts don’t result in outward action, we’re still acting Christianly, right? Passive-aggressive Christians think it’s okay to wish for the destruction of others, insofar as we stay civil on the outside. We’re waiting, quite eagerly, for the vengeance of God to destroy those who sin against us.
So much for praying “forgive us our trespasses, in the same way we forgive those who trespass against us,” which leads to my next point.
Passive-Aggressiveness is Unchristian
In spite of its prevalence, the passive-aggressive interpretation of Romans 12:19-20 is quite patently wrong. To make this clear, we need only to recall Christ’s attitude toward his executioners: “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Or his teaching: “First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean…You are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness.” (Matthew 23:26, 27)
Passive-aggressiveness – outward civility masking inward bitterness – is simply unchristian. When Romans speaks of heaping burning coals on our enemy’s head, it is expressing hope not that our enemy will be destroyed, but that he will no longer be an enemy – indeed, that we will forgive and be reconciled to one another. That is what God desires: “As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live.” (Ezekiel 33:11) Reconciliation is what God desires, and it’s what his people desire.
Three Possible Responses to Sin
At one time or another, every person suffers because of the sins of others. There are three ways of responding to such suffering. The barbarous seek vengeance on those responsible. The passive-aggressive, meanwhile, remain outwardly civil, but inwardly resent and hate those who do them wrong. Then there is the Christian, who, just like his Lord, loves his enemy. He is patient and kind even and especially toward the most insufferable people.
All of that is to say, the Christian suffers not just because of the sins of others, but also for the sins of others. Christ suffered in the same way: not just because of sinners, but for them. In doing so, some of his enemies (we ourselves were once his enemies!) repented of their sin. All were forgiven; some repented and received forgiveness.
The Christian may hope, no, he must hope that his enemies, perhaps through his own graciousness toward them, may someday turn from their sin and receive the forgiveness that the Christian wants nothing more than to give. And the Christian hopes for this not so that he will be spared the burden of difficult people, but rather that difficult people will taste the blessedness of life in Christ. This is the way of love, and love – not barbarism, not passive-aggressiveness, but love – is the mark of a Christian:
“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." - Luke 6:27-28
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