How to be Unhappy

In the Beatitudes, Jesus offers eight prescriptions for happiness (Greek makarios). Just in case anyone would prefer unhappiness, I thought I’d offer eight prescriptions in direct contradiction to our Lord. Instead of “Blessed are the…”, think “Miserable are the…”

Want to be miserable? Here’s how.

1.       Set your heart on material things.

This is essential for anyone who wants to be unhappy. It doesn’t matter whether you’re rich, poor, or middle-class. You must cling to what you own, covet what you don’t, and complain frequently about the life you’ve been given. Eschew generosity and always live beyond your means. This is a sure path to perpetual discontent, which constitutes a fine form of unhappiness.

2.       Always seek to be happy.

Yep, that’s right: a great way to make yourself unhappy is to always seek your own happiness. How so? Since worldly happiness comes and goes depending on your circumstances, when it goes (and believe me, it will go) you’ll be perfectly miserable about it. And even when happiness comes back, you’ll be unhappily clinging to something you know won’t last.

On a related note, do everything possible to avoid whatever would make you sad. Many things in this fallen world will lead you to mourn. Make sure to turn a blind eye to those things…or just be angry…or cynical…or numb. Anything but mourning.

3.       Insist on getting your way.

Meekness-schmeekness. The truly miserable know that they must make demands on life and always get their way. Fight for your right – not just to party like the Beastie Boys, but for everything. Make sure everyone bows down to your personal preferences. This will ensure that you’re frustrated with anyone who doesn’t share your likings. And as we all know, frustrated people are also unhappy people.

4.       Believe you’re morally superior to others.

Don’t think of yourself as needing to “hunger and thirst” for righteousness. You’re good the way you are. Own it! Remember: God grades on a curve and you’re getting an “A”, if only because everyone else is obviously getting an “F”. Look down on others and think of them as idiots. You’ll know you’ve arrived at the self-righteous mindset when you begin thinking the sins of others are worse than your own.

5.       Withhold forgiveness.

If you forgive, then the person who sinned against you has won. Treat life as a courtroom wherein you are the righteous prosecutor and others are the guilty-until-proven-innocent defendants. Pay attention only to those things that will help you win your case. Ignore and downplay any good that people may do. Moreover, never forget about the wrongs people have done to you. Dwell on them, rehash what happened when you talk to others, and let righteous anger grow into moral indignation, and moral indignation into pure hatred. Misery guaranteed.

6.       Have impure motives.

Pure in heart? Nah! Instead, pretend that your motive is noble and altruistic, but underneath stay committed to your own glory and comfort and pleasure. Do everything possible to dress up your agenda in Jesus clothes. That is, use carefully selected Bible verses to justify what you want. Make Jesus to support everything you support. You may carry unchristian attitudes and treat people in an unbiblical manner, but your Jesus clothes will ensure that you can easily justify yourself. Hypocrisy like this is one of the rare gifts of the truly unhappy.

7.       Stir up controversy.

Peacemakers need not apply. If you want to be miserable, stir up strife between people. Gossip, backbite, and most of all, interpret other people’s actions in the worst possible light. When you get into conversations with people, speak ill of someone who’s not there. Put them on trial and get others to join you in the accusation (e.g. “Did you hear about what Suzy did? Can you believe that?!”). Never address someone’s sins directly with that person, but instead spread the news to everyone else. Sow seeds of discord, because such discord will give you a perverse pleasure that deep down is actually quite miserable.

8.       Above all else, seek to be well-liked and accepted.

What’s strange about this one is that being well-liked often brings happiness. But make your desire to be well-liked reign supreme, and you’ll find yourself becoming quite unhappy. What’s key here is that you actually be willing to forsake the integrity of your soul in order to get people to like you. Fret and worry about what other people think of you, and do everything you can to be socially successful. Put the fleeting opinions of men over the eternal opinion of God. In doing so, your misery will soar to heights (or is it “sink to depths”?) hitherto unknown.

The Promise

So there it is: an eightfold path to misery. It’s worth mentioning that the misery of those who follow this advice will not be complete until Jesus returns at the End of the Age. Just like the joy of those who follow Christ, the misery of those who follow Satan is incomplete in this world. But don’t let doubts arise in your heart. If you’re following the above advice and becoming quite miserable from it, truly, truly, I say to you, someday you’ll reach the goal of total and eternal unhappiness.